Why Are Shame and Sex So Closely Associated?
For many of us, especially those raised in certain religious traditions, shame and sex have been tangled together for as long as we can remember. That makes it even more challenging to talk about sexuality with our kids. If sex is a subject that has always carried guilt or secrecy for us, how do we begin to have open, healthy, shame-free conversations with the next generation?
The first step is understanding where that shame comes from—and recognizing that it doesn’t have to stay with us.
Shame as a “Secondary Emotion”
Psychologists describe shame and guilt as secondary emotions—they don’t arise naturally on their own. Instead, they develop only after we’ve absorbed a sense of “good” and “bad.” These moral categories are shaped by more than individual choice. They’re handed to us by the communities, cultures, and families we grow up in.
That means:
Religious communities may tell us that sex is inherently wrong or dangerous.
Cultural voices may trivialize sex, making it feel shallow or unserious.
Family voices may remain silent, leaving us to fill in the blanks with confusion or misinformation.
When all of these voices are speaking at once, it’s easy to see why shame takes root. Kids (and adults) can feel like they’re letting someone down—whether it’s their faith community, their family, or the broader culture around them.
Shame as a “Team Sport”
Because shame develops in relationship to the standards of a community, it’s never just an individual burden. It’s shaped collectively—by the people and systems around us. In that sense, shame is a “team sport.”
If kids are hearing one voice insist that sex is always bad, while another voice insists it doesn’t matter at all, the conflict creates fertile ground for shame. They may not know which standard to follow, but they’ll almost certainly feel the weight of disappointing someone.
Breaking the Cycle
The good news? We don’t have to pass that same cycle of silence and shame to our children. But breaking it begins with ourselves.
Here are a few steps to start:
Reflect honestly on your own story. Who shaped the way you think about sex? What messages were you given—spoken or unspoken?
Take stock of your own health. Tools like the Understanding Your Sexuality Inventory can help you identify how your beliefs and experiences have formed you. (Invite your partner to take it too, and talk through the results together.)
Seek out resources for growth. Experts like Kara Haug offer practical guides for adults and couples who want to heal their own relationship with sexuality.
When we do this work personally, we free ourselves to have more honest, compassionate conversations with our kids.
Toward Compassionate Conversations
Awareness is powerful. When we recognize the competing voices that shaped us—and that are shaping our children—we can bring empathy into the conversation. Instead of passing down shame, we can model openness, humility, and curiosity.
Shame grows in silence and secrecy. But compassion grows in honesty and dialogue. As parents and caregivers, we can help our kids see that sexuality is not something to fear, hide, or deny—but something to approach with wisdom, integrity, and grace.
Reflection Question: What voices—religious, cultural, or family—shaped the way you think about sex? How might they still be influencing the way you talk to your kids today?
Learn more about how to apply new concepts in teaching around this to kids and teenagers in our new series, Sexual Integrity Conversations—available in a Curious Faith subscription.
